*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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Godspeed, John Glenn
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
584.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”