2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.