2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?