2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Terribly Tuesday.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.