2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Bike for sale
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana