2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
R.I.P.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The funk soul brother
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.