2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle