2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
You Might Also Like
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Good morning
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)