2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.