ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂