@sfreeze6

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

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@dksc4life

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@Cpin42

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

@ElgatoEsmio

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

@Be___Dope

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

@GHargraveWrites

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

@sgeezy99

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂