[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
ok like just. call me at this point
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you