2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Encore…
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”