2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?