2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Storm Tropical Storm
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one