[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?