@ObscureGent

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

You Might Also Like

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@davideastUK

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

@TragicAllyHere

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

@LaurenRP

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

@murrman5

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah