2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged


me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on


NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.


unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life


My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants


I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.


[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah