@ObscureGent

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

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@PaperWash

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

@SissiSay

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

@a_simpl_man

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

@jollyrobber

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

@DCpierson

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

@littlegiinge

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

@

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.