2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
mentally somewhere in italy
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me too door. Me too.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?