@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

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@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@daemonic3

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

@fro_vo

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

@Parkerlawyer

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

@dragonsorbet

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.