@JohnMayer If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
@simoncholland 2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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@JohnMayer 
@fro_vo [Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
@daemonic3 HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
@fro_vo PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
@Parkerlawyer My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
@JohnLyonTweets Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
@dragonsorbet [Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
@SortaBad Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
@Playing_Dad *offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
@robyn_vo People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.