2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.