2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”


[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi


HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?


PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people


My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.


Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …


[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall


Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days


People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.