2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Yep.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Monday
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.