2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
you will never know the true number of layers
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too