2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too