2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate