2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Just me and my debit card against the world
Finally a use for spoilers…
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?