2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?