2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him