Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.