2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
2022: I can fix it
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken