[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them