2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!