2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
This is a bad sign
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.