2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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Terribly Tuesday.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
your elf on the shelf was delicious
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
He-man has a Masters degree
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.