2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.