2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Choose your fighter
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.