2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
#SuperBowl
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché