[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me :
All Day At Night
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.