2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?