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buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
like swimming in quick dry cement
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
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Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.