2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.