Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Growing out my freckles.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.