2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined