2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”