2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler