2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.