2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.