2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
You Might Also Like
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up