2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Those are good neighbors.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”