2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
This makes total sense…