2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.