2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
All is fair in drunk and war.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.