2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?