2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out