@EmmECarroll

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

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@AngieDavisHaha

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@noog

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

@ilovepie84

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

@noog

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@HenpeckedHal

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@noog

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.