2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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waiting for halloween be like:
Life with a cat in one tweet
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.