2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.


Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?


I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.


Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.


Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.