2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
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I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.