2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
good work, everybody
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Accurate
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids