2022 be like
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that