@Home_Halfway
@djdarrellripley Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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@djdarrellripley 
@slimmy_shady If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
@YasmeenMS ‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
@DanMentos *arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
@UNDEADTRESOR Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
@mraggab_ What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
@lloydrang “Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
@kathybotteas Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
@HorseMorsel I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
@TheAlexNevil Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.