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@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

@slimmy_shady

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

@YasmeenMS

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

@DanMentos

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*

*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

@UNDEADTRESOR

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

@mraggab_

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@lloydrang

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@HorseMorsel

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

@TheAlexNevil

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.